What makes me feel.

Tyle Knott.
He makes words come alive, and evoke such strong emotions in me.
I love him, for making me feel.

This is how he sees himself :

Namasté. 

I'm Tyler Knott Gregson.

I am a photographer. 
Poet.
Artist.
Exploitable Genius. 
Word Alchemist. 
Thought Translator.
Boy With Faraway Eyes.
Buddhist.




Some of his thoughts that I LOVE :

Of Dreamers and Realists

“

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world.

You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists but more often than not, the opposite is true.

You see the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun.

And the realists… well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

”
                                                                                                                   - Modern Family

I am a dreamer.
I dream of the world being one happy place.
I wish the newspapers that the world reads every morning carried news of joy instead of misery, of love instead of hatred, of birds and bees, and happy things.
I wish work was done, not for money, for the love of it instead.
I wish we lived in a world where everyone were equal.
I wish mans' worst enemy wasn't man himself.
I wish people weren't after money. I wish people weren't after power. 
On second thought I wish people had no idea what power meant. They'd be happier then. More free.
I wish people just wanted to live the one life they got, with the people they love, with the idea of just being in the present and enjoying time spent with other fellow human beings.
I wish life was one big party.


I dream of fireflies, of a life where I'm surrounded by mountains, and in no hurry to get in touch with the world outside. 

I feel everyones always running. Running to meet appointments, running to be somewhere important. To meet people, to keep moving. People seem to need to be in constant movement. I do too. What happens when we just stop, and be in that moment, in all of our existence, oblivious to the flow of bodies around us?
I dream of a day, when I live just to be. Where i have no where I have to be, I am where I want to be. 

I dream of a time, when people believe in magic. Where people believe in the impossible. Where there isn't space for doubt, for insecurity, for jealousy.

I dream of a day, we all go back to being naive, to believing everything we imagine. Wouldn't it be wonderful to believe that you can fly and not doubt it for even a second. 

I am a dreamer.
I believe there will be a time, when things will turn around. 
They will, I'm sure of it. Without a single flicker of doubt. :)

Until then I'm going to continue dreaming.

A letter to the you-s in my life. I still remember you. Part 1.

To all the people who have been in my life, at some point or another,
this is to you,

 I remember you.


Remember how you used to come to me during our lunch breaks and make sure I ate all my chapattis, with the sabzis and the tiffin box that mummy packed for us that equaled an entire 6 course buffet. I mean really how much would a seven year old need to eat? I remember how all of us would try and be like one another, not knowing then, that we'd grow up just to be the opposite, to try and be unique and not like that boy who had amazing cursive handwriting. I mean how can he have such amazing handwriting in the forth grade?
I remember you. How we used to sit with our napkins pinned to our uniform and our hair braided with so much coconut oil in it, like an everyday advertisement for parachute. I remember how you, you and you too would sit with me on the stairs and try and figure out whether to play hopscotch or ABCD. I still remember you, you and you.

I remember you.
I remember how you would call me as soon as we got home from school, just to discuss that cute guy we both had a crush on. I remember you. and ofcourse, you cute guy. How could i forget you. Remember how you and the other you ate chalk once? I wouldn't ever do that. But I remember you.
Remember how I did your projects for you and how we were close as best friends could be? Remember how you were too busy hitting on girls and I'd always have your back. I remember you.

I remember you. We sat and filled one anothers slam books. How important was it then to get your crush to write in your slam book. It was like trying to climb the steepest mountain, only tougher. Seriously have you tried going up to the guy you secretly like and giving him your slam book. And when he fills it up and returns it, you hold that slam book like its a piece of his heart. I remember you.

I remember you. You used to write small 'i love you' chits and put it in my pencil box. I was mad scared of you back then. But I remember you.

I remember you. I thought you were mad cute. You left school and transferred to another one but I still remember you.

You were with me during high school. Bus buddies we all were. I remember the cookie-box-yelling-at-small-annoying-kid. haha I remember you. The long rides to and from school would have been horrible without you, you, you, you and you guys.We all aren't in touch, but together we were fun in the bus. I remember you.

Remember how we would talk for hours on the phone? I remember you. We would talk every night, even if it was a silent conversation. But we would always be there for one another. You'd come to me with your girl problems and I'd hook you up with who you like. I remember you.


Remember how every summer we'd have crazy parties and you guys would always be there, making it just perfect. Remember how we would be 20 crazy kids and how having a good time would always happen no matter when or where we were. I remember you. you. you.

Remember how you and I would dance. like a stage on fire. and with such with perfect sync. I remember you. Remember how all us girls would go mad and dance on sofas and bar tables. how living came so easily to us all back then. I remember you too.

Remember how we came from different schools and landed at the same place for college. I remember you,you,you,you and you. The first time we all met to the inside jokes that just brought us closer. Our hostel sleepovers to our goa trip. I remember you. Remember how we grew up together with all sorts of situations coming our way. How it was us against the world. Always, and yet is. I remember you all. I'll always remember you, you, you, you and you.

Remember how you taught me to see the world differently. How you showed me how beautiful it is to let go. how to love. I remember you.

Remember how I always called you when work got too tough. When it was raining. When you'd just get me without me having to explain a word. I remember you.

Remember all the good times we had. All of the different 'you-s' and me. I remember you. I remember how special you all were, no matter how small our journey together. I look back with the best memories a person could ask for. And an abundance of you-s. I love you guys. We maybe in different places in the world, and in our lifes, but this post is just to remind you that there is still someone out there, from years before who remembers you, you, you and also you.

To all the people I've mentioned in the post and others too who have been a part of my life. I still remember all you guys.
Ill always remember you.

Love

A girls take on Californication - the two heart melting moments -

Californication.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBjc8p1XVBc

I love the show and the essence of it that you come to relate to, beneath all the pretense of noise.
The thing about californication is the undertone of pure love, that shines through all the mess. It shows life like it is, in all its subtlety. It isn't just about sex, drugs and rock and roll. Its more. Its about the honesty of showing the good with the ugly. Not just the rosy picture that we usually are fed with. Its not what people would call a perfect relationship between two passionately in love people and between a father and a daughter, but who has a perfect relationship anyway. Its a myth. A perfect relationship. We are taught to love, but to make it perfect means killing the essence of letting the other person be who they are and not accepting you for yourself. 
I love the relationship Hank shares with Karen. Its unconditional. Its about nothing but their feelings for one another, no matter what life brings. Its about learning to love one another in more ways than one, never to give up. Never to push. Never to impose. 

The two most amazing moments of the show are : the letter Hank Moody writes for Becca and the other one he writes for Karen. Both letters put words into its simplest form with such raw emotion, it takes my heart away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opuCIZ7iLG0&feature=related

Hank Moody to Becca :

To my dear beautiful daughter, 

I’m writing you a letter. That’s right a good old fashioned letter. It’s a lost art, really? Like handjobs. Shit.


I have a confession to make, I didn’t like you very much at first. You were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but you didn’t seem to have very interest in me, which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was just you and your mom against the world. Funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. And I don’t remember the exact moment that everything changed. I just know that it did.

One minute I was impenetrable. Nothing could touch me. The next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense painful experience of my life. In fact it’s been almost too much to vow. As your father, I made a silent vote to protect you from the world. Never realizing that I was the one who end up hurting you the most.

When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride, how could you? Your father is a child in a man’s body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Novel in thought, Weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give. It’s getting dark, too dark to see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwHjzkc9w_Q

Hank Moody to Karen :

Dear Karen,

If you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it so good for me. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This is the hardest thing I ever had to write. There no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t one the make it was a perfect storm. She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there is this feeling in my gut that she might be the one. She is completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance acquired. She is you Karen, that’s the good news. The bad news is that I don't know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now I have this feeling we will get lost out there. It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could of changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us and I can’t tell you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good, like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something. Call me! 

Unfaithfully yours,
Hank Moody

Do-overs?

 IF LIFE GAVE ME A DO-OVER?

Have you ever wondered what if life gave you a chance to revisit your past and change the way things played out. Would you change how things were or would you just cliche it and tell me your happy with your life and would not change a thing.

Im still see-sawing between whether I would change anything or cliche it. What would be the things I'd change if I went back to the me, that made me, me?

I would pay attention to the tiny details around me and the people that mattered to me. I wouldn't let go that easily. I have. Of a lot of people who mattered to me. 

I would listen to my instincts more often. Six years back I had instincts that I doubted, I thought I was just imagining things the way I wanted it to play out. When in reality it was a perfect picture that everyone seemed to see but me, until now, six years too late. Always listen to your instincts! They know exactly what you want. Always.

I would love to stay as young and carefree i was in the first year of my college. Don't be afraid to live  just for yourself. You owe that much to you.

I would make even more mistakes than what I have! MAKE MISTAKE AND CELEBRATE THEM. It means your living and not just moulding into the crowd. If I could, I would go back and be young, innocent, and be stupid with my friends, not affected by the complexities of the world.

ENJOY THE DRAMA :

I wouldn't reduce all the drama though. It made me feel alive! It made me feel. whether happy,sad, excited, jealous, hurtful, so-happyhigh-i-couldnt-remember-a-thing, or any other emotion! It dint matter.

All I know is I felt something, and that makes me happy now. Never be too comfortable with your life, such that you feel nothing. It kills to feel nothing. trust me.

I would tell people how much I loved them and would not let my insecurity get in the way. Its difficult you know practising things like

" live today like its your last day" because if I do that, and start sending people messages of the lovey-dovey sorts, they'd think I am cukoo. But nonetheless I wish I was more impulsive in expressing how I felt with different people I missed out on.

BE STUPID! 

Do crazy things that seem random and get you awkward stares from older people. Your doing a good job if older people are looking at you awkwardly!! who cares ! you have the rest of your life to be grown up. So be stupid!

LOVE. That does not mean go sticking your tongue down every next persons throat. Im not advertising that here, and neither am i telling you to love like the movies around garden and trees. Find out what love means for you and keep at it!

When it comes down to love, Its always worth it. Whatever form. Whatever way you express it. No ones in a position to judge.

I wish I'd let the smaller things matter more to me, than letting the noise that surrounded it matter more. The noise never matters. Moments do. Small little gestures are things I remember now. I wish I'd have a cupboard full of those small things now, that make life a lot more happier and memories a lot more sweeter.

FORGIVE. I wish i had forgiven people easily. Its the worst to hold onto something against a person forever. I wish I had learned that forgiving made you and the other person happier. I have wasted a lot of my life, holding grudges against people. I should have forgiven them, because I look back, and I wasnt perfect either. No one is. To you guys out there, Just forgive. U'll grow up and years later you'd miss your friend, your partner,your family and not forgiving them would be the worst thing that would sadden you. 

No one knows how to live life. I guess we are all just winging it as we go along. 

I believe that Do-overs do come along, and thats when you trust your instinct and change decisions you made in the past. There is always hope for a little more love and a lot more mistakes :)

Of "girgilla" and 'fingers crossed"

The last few posts have been a little intense and to lighten the mood I thought of writing to you about the innocence that once was. Have you seen how the kids in Junior Masterchef Australia, cross their fingers and hope and pray with every dub-dub of the beating heart that they win. It reminded me of a me that once was.

Do you remember how we used to cross our fingers, toes and pigtails even, just in the pure belief that that, would be what gets us what we want. No reasoning mattered then. We knew in our hearts, the harder you could cross your fingers and the more number of things you crossed the more your chance of getting what you wanted. I miss that faith I had in my tiny little fingers, that would with such ease overlap one another and not give way.

Remember the times girgilla was the worst that could ever happen to you? Id be mortified when the never ending game of 'tag him girgilla' would reach me. Remember how our faces would turn the darkest shade of red, and that solely would be our most embarrassing moment ever.
Remember how coloring within the lines was the hardest problem we were faced with, and how we would sit for hours and try and stay within the lines just so we could get that "star sticker" or "perfect sticker" from the teacher? And the times we did manage to get that sticker, do you remember the pride with which our chest would blow up, and the smile that lit up our entire tiny face.

Remember how cursive writing seemed like such an impossible task and how we used to concentrate on just keeping those alphabets on that straight line, for fear that it would dance about on that page and wouldn't be accepted? Remember how our mathematics books had criss-cross lines on the entire page, just to make sure we could write numbers clearly and not get them all jumbled up in one single mess.
Remember how we needed all our fingers, just so we could be able to calculate the math problem. How we never thought there would be something more difficult than that, that would meet us as 'mental mathematics'.

Remember how we din't like boys, and boys din't like us girls? How drawing a line in the center of the bench seemed to solve all the problems in the world, and how we would sit content at having been able to divide the table into exactly half. The trust with which we used to sit, in all our satisfaction that this line wouldn't let the boy cross over to our side. Remember when being sat next to the opposite sex was the second worst thing that could happen to you, and life seemed unfair. Little did we know how much that would change over time.

I remember there was this bench-partner of mine in the sixth grade, and he used to put little i love you chits in my pencil box. Every time I found this chit in my box, I would be mortified and shattered. After a while it got to me, and I took my revenge for all the 'I love yous' by smacking him with the largest textbook I had. How I wish, to find now, those little I love you notes in my pencil box.

If I could, I would have saved all my stickers to keep me grounded and know that the little things in life mattered the most. I wish girgilla was still the worse that could ever happen to people.
I would love to have the faith I did then, in knowing that crossing my fingers, would solve every one of my problems and get me what I want. I miss the times, when boys were "the enemy" and coloring within the lines my sole purpose of living. If I knew then as I do now, how difficult it is for people to give and take love, I would have saved those chits for the future me to cherish deeply.

Wear your past on your sleeve !

"I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man."-Zhuangzi

A really dear friend of mine put forth, to me, a question in all its simplicity, "When people write so much about all the things going on in the world, the surroundings they are so conscious about, why then doesn't anyone write about ones subconscious mind?"

I have pondered over it, mulled over it, and arrived at the conclusion that in order for a person to portray the subconscious mind, he should be comfortable in being with himself and absorb every thought that he feels. Not many would like to do that though, probably for the fear of not liking what they would be faced with. 

Its scary really, even for me. The thought of sitting in solace with oneself. We all run away from what makes us feel, what stirs up emotion in us, such emotion that seems alien to us, so we avoid it altogether for fear of the unknown. I've tried to sit and just be. Absorb whatever my mind wants me to. Its tough really, because for a few seconds I can feel myself channelling my thoughts, letting myself be drifted back into times forgotten. But sooner than later, it happens almost reflexively, and I'm back into the present. 

I wonder sometimes, that why do we run away from solitude? Isn't revisiting memories something that should make us happy, be it good or bad memories. Why then do I retreat from being taken into the past? Why do people say its in the past let it be, theres nothing ever good that can come from being in the past. My answer to them is,

Its your past. You have already been there once before and well guess what, you survived, so what are you so scared of to revisit it again?  

Honestly knowing where you come from, and discovering yourself is the best gift you can gift to you, from you. Everyone is too scared to dust off the surface, its not just you and me. But once in a while, take the road less taken, take time off to introspect. You may surprise yourself with what you find, for all you know you are a butterfly dreaming he's a man, and wouldn't that be splendid? Because thats the power of your subconscious mind, it will baffle you in more ways than one. Its a safe place, not a place where you have to put up your best front. It will let yourself be you. 

Revisit it, and keep revisiting it, till the time when your thoughts and experience is simply in its existence, a beautiful page in the story that you are the author to.

Would you like to read a book that has a few pages missing? Look back at your past with fondness, its the pages that make all the difference to your beautiful story.

Carry it on you sleeve, much like your beating heart because those few pages that you would otherwise bury away, make all the difference to the plot.